Breaking the coping cycle
As my life progresses, the amount I need to do changes. Sometimes I have many duties and other time I have few.
Also changing over time is my energy to do things, sometimes higher than other times.
Let’s consider these two as separate axes in a graph:
At different points in my life I find myself on different points on that plane. Health, mood, and the cycles of life change my energy; duties, situation, and the cycles of life change what I need to do.
Let’s consider the line where my energy exactly matches my duties, where I can accomplish all I need to do with no energy left over. Let’s call that the coping line
Above the line, things are fine. Energy meets or exceeds expectations and we can keep up. But below the line we’re not coping.
Assertion 1: Everyone perceives themselves as going below the line sometimes. This is unavoidable.
The first assertion is about self-perception. Whether someone is actually below the line is less clear and likely depends on the definition of need to do
.
Assertion 2: You can’t just decide to have more energy.
This second assertion runs contrary to many common narratives of perseverance, God helping those who help themselves, etc. But that opposition notwithstanding, I believe the second assertion. There are some things that sometimes boost energy, but none are guaranteed and so far as I can determine wishing for more energy or acting as if we already had it never works.
Grit and determination matter, but I don’t find them to be a source of energy. Rather, they help direct the energy I have in more important directions.
I find in my life I often follow a specific trajectory within the graph. I start with excess energy, but want to be useful so I take on more duties
Then something happens to push me over the coping line; sometimes new unexpected duties are thrust upon me but more often my energy wanes.
I realize I’m not coping, which makes me anxious and stressed, which means I start spending time fretting over not having enough time to do everything, further reducing my ability to succed.
Eventually I start defaulting on my duties, sometimes by abandoning some of them entirely but more often by doing an inadequate job at everything.
At some point my energy increases again, and with it my stress decreases, bringing me back to where I started.
I call this the coping cycle.
Assertion 3: There are actions that can help move you above the line other than failure.
Per assertion 2, those actions are not will it to be so.
I don’t have a full list, but I do have some ideas. I invite the reader to consider what other strategies should be added.
Ask for help. Someone around you is above the line and looking to volunteer, or is able to do something for you with less effort than it would take you.
Improve your health. Your health, be it physical, emotional, or mental, is a major factor in your energy to do. Get counseling or medicine, eat right, sleep well, exercise.
Rest, pray, and meditate. When life got too busy for Jesus of Nazareth he’d go into the wilderness alone for a few hours or days to commune with God and get away from the pressures of life. We could all do well to emulate that.
Prioritize. Don’t just try-but-fail at everything: consciously pick a subset of what you need to do as most important and give it the energy it needs, not even attempting the rest until your energy rebounds.
Help others. One of the great paradoxes of life is that helping others can increase rather than detract from our ability to do what we need to do.